10 days ago I had a dream, when I just started my semester break. I was still busy doing my work at that time. I slept on the sofa, because I was very tired and if I slept on my bed I wouldn’t wake up on time. I slept for a couple of hours, and I woke up, screaming :

“TAK NAK!!!!!!!!!!!”

I dreamt that college was starting the next week.

So now, almost 2 weeks passed, and college IS STARTING NEXT WEEK! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve just had 3 days of my semester break to enjoy because I’ve been doing some work, and I’m in Bangsar, so really, I AM NOT ENJOYING IT! I feel like my youth is passing me by!!!  dsjadlasjdkasjdkljaskdjkajdklas *face roll!!!!*

I am really stressed out and kinda pissed off at I don’t know what. Probably MMU for their sick scheduling, or probably at time for going by too fast. But both of it are really out of league to control (especially time), so I guess I blame myself for not paying attention.

NO! I’M NOT AT MYSELF! dshgajdhjalsjdklasd;akld;jkasdkjsadklasjd;a/

I want to whine now.
I don’t wanna go back to school PLEASEEEEE. I’m already making money WITHOUT having to finish it, so can I just skip school?? I don’t like the classmates, they’re WAY too immature, and I don’t like them! They give me dirty looks, what the hell do you want, kids? You think you have about 40 people giving me looks, so I’m scared of you? Tsk, you guys are like cockroaches, and I hate cockroaches! Stinking, dirty kids staying in clumps. And the rest of you direct intakes! (They’re not kids, they’re about my age), you guys were treated like that as well, SO WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME THOSE LOOKS? FUCKTARDS! Coming over and talking to me only when you need something out of me! Well, guess what? You guys are fakes, and I thought only girls like to that! I tried to make friends with you guys (I don’t bother with the “official” intake, they’re puny), trying to socialize with you guys outside of college, BUT TO HELL WITH YOU GUYS.

AND ALL THE BEST LECTURERS ARE GONE! All I’m left with are fresh grad tutors with nothing reliable for the students! hdjashdjaskjdlal

BENCI NYA!

Okay, since I experienced a life-changing experience approximately 2 years back, I decided not to get attached to a person or a group. (But when I think about it, I don’t think I EVER get attached with anybody. Not since I was kid.)

But after that “life-changing” experience only I notice it. And I that get attached to boyfriends.

So, anyway, a lot of people always tell me that I’m always there for them. For a shoulder to cry on, for someone to hang out with, to laugh with, to share problems with. They tell me I’m nice, that I’m a good friend.

See, I’ve thought about this, long and hard. What makes them think I’m a good friend? Then it hit me, it’s probably because I don’t get attached to them. As in, I don’t expect them to do anything for me. I remembered these people have told me that if I needed anything, all I need to do is just call. But I very rarely did.

It’s not that I don’t like to tell them my feelings, but I only tell them when I feel like it. And most of the time I don’t. Unless the feeling is overwhelming, like now.

If you think I’m a lone ranger, I’m not. I have loads of groups of friends. but most of the time I keep them at that only. A group of friends.

There was a time in my life where I was attached to almost everyone. I had a so many friends, my “clique” at college. Then it happened.

I hit rock bottom. Lost everything that meant SO much to me. I remembered that feeling. It’s as if I don’t feel anything. I only do things that I HAD to do - eat, work, sleep. I don’t hang out, I don’t chat, I hardly laugh, I stayed in my room most of the time.

I had other friends waiting for me to come out, waiting for me to come back, but I felt like none of them mattered.

It never went back to what it was before, so I decided to wallow it up and move on. It was like going to primary school all over again, meeting new people, feeling awkward at meeting new people.

I made friends with people with who grew up together, who went through thick and thin together. I don’t know what the moral is, but even if I did hang out with them, I keep in mind that they’re still friends of a friend. I didn’t try to be close friends with them, I didn’t try to be in their group, I was just glad I had people to hang out with.

I was glad that I don’t have to miss someone.

But the more I look at these people, the more I began to wonder, will I ever have something like this? (I kept on changing schools when I was younger, so I never knew anyone for more that 15 years)

I’m looking for that time I had back then, but my head was telling me “Don’t you dare!”

But now that most of these people are away, I realise that they’re it. I don’t have to feel like I belong. They already accept me, they helped me out when I needed them, so what the hell am I doing looking for something that’s gone when something BETTER is in front of me?

And it took me YEARS to realize that? WTF? *slaps head!*

To my idiot and my lalang, I FUCKING MISS YOU GUYS, JUST COME BACK HOME! I don’t like missing you guyssssssssssssssssss zzzzzzzzzz *CRIES*

P/S : I guess I’m starting to get attached again. I hope nothing goes wrong this time.

My friend, Nizam. This is usually how our conversation goes. But most of the time he just spams then sign out.

Why do I put up with him?