I don’t like this feeling.

Okay, since I experienced a life-changing experience approximately 2 years back, I decided not to get attached to a person or a group. (But when I think about it, I don’t think I EVER get attached with anybody. Not since I was kid.)

But after that “life-changing” experience only I notice it. And I that get attached to boyfriends.

So, anyway, a lot of people always tell me that I’m always there for them. For a shoulder to cry on, for someone to hang out with, to laugh with, to share problems with. They tell me I’m nice, that I’m a good friend.

See, I’ve thought about this, long and hard. What makes them think I’m a good friend? Then it hit me, it’s probably because I don’t get attached to them. As in, I don’t expect them to do anything for me. I remembered these people have told me that if I needed anything, all I need to do is just call. But I very rarely did.

It’s not that I don’t like to tell them my feelings, but I only tell them when I feel like it. And most of the time I don’t. Unless the feeling is overwhelming, like now.

If you think I’m a lone ranger, I’m not. I have loads of groups of friends. but most of the time I keep them at that only. A group of friends.

There was a time in my life where I was attached to almost everyone. I had a so many friends, my “clique” at college. Then it happened.

I hit rock bottom. Lost everything that meant SO much to me. I remembered that feeling. It’s as if I don’t feel anything. I only do things that I HAD to do - eat, work, sleep. I don’t hang out, I don’t chat, I hardly laugh, I stayed in my room most of the time.

I had other friends waiting for me to come out, waiting for me to come back, but I felt like none of them mattered.

It never went back to what it was before, so I decided to wallow it up and move on. It was like going to primary school all over again, meeting new people, feeling awkward at meeting new people.

I made friends with people with who grew up together, who went through thick and thin together. I don’t know what the moral is, but even if I did hang out with them, I keep in mind that they’re still friends of a friend. I didn’t try to be close friends with them, I didn’t try to be in their group, I was just glad I had people to hang out with.

I was glad that I don’t have to miss someone.

But the more I look at these people, the more I began to wonder, will I ever have something like this? (I kept on changing schools when I was younger, so I never knew anyone for more that 15 years)

I’m looking for that time I had back then, but my head was telling me “Don’t you dare!”

But now that most of these people are away, I realise that they’re it. I don’t have to feel like I belong. They already accept me, they helped me out when I needed them, so what the hell am I doing looking for something that’s gone when something BETTER is in front of me?

And it took me YEARS to realize that? WTF? *slaps head!*

To my idiot and my lalang, I FUCKING MISS YOU GUYS, JUST COME BACK HOME! I don’t like missing you guyssssssssssssssssss zzzzzzzzzz *CRIES*

P/S : I guess I’m starting to get attached again. I hope nothing goes wrong this time.